I’ll Give You Money!

Ah, America – the land of opportunity, where any entrepreneur with a good idea can get rich. All you have to do is be in the right place at the right time with the right scam.

So here’s the next big opportunity.

Americans no longer have to show up to vote, right? And mail-in ballots do not need to be verified in any way to be considered valid, as many of our states have proven in the 2020 elections, right?

The old-school method for getting stinking rich by being elected to office in Washington, DC has been to collect huge sums of money from lobbyists and rich fatcats and then buy advertising that will make the voters hate your opponent. For example, Democrat Jaime Harrison and incumbent Republican Lindsey Graham collected and spent about $230 million on hate advertising in their recent senate race. But this technique is now obsolete. SC voters already hated both of them before the advertising. Harrison had more money and bought more advertising, but South Carolina loves President Trump, so we plugged our noses and voted for Graham, hoping he would support Trump.

But wait a minute – if that kind of fatcat money is available to candidates, and there is no control over mail-in ballots, why go through all the hassle and risk of advertising? Why not just buy votes directly on the open market?

I think I am going to run for Lindsey Graham’s seat next time around using a combination of old-school and new-school tactics. Like the current group of “corrupticrats” in DC, I will collect a ton of lobbyist/fatcat money by promising legislation that will make them even richer. But instead of spending it on hate advertising, I will create a website where voters can send their mail-in ballots, marked for me, directly to my campaign manager, who will conspire with corrupt postal workers and poll employees to dump them in the ballot boxes. In return for their ballots I will send each voter a Visa gift card for the going rate, which was $130 per vote this year. If you can collect or create 100 ballots I will send you $13,000, and I don’t care how you get them.

It’s the American way – supply and demand, efficiency of production, stuff like that. Oh, but it’s dishonest, you say? Tell that to CNN and Google.

Tom Balek – Rockin’ on the Right Side

All I need is someone to believe in me
Even if you’re losing
Watching from behind
I’ll give you money, I’ll give you lovin’
Everything

I’ll Give You Money – Pete Frampton

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