It’s tough being a leftist these days, or even understanding them. Identity Politics is so hard! To help you navigate this trending leftist revolution (also known as the ‘CNN Spring’), here are some tips and techniques.

First there is the daunting challenge of identifying all of the different victim groups and subgroups, which grows daily. Then there is the difficulty of ranking them in terms of which is the most abused and deserving of compassion, protection, and other stuff. And a code of behavior must be enforced in the brave new world of Identity Politics.

IDENTIFYING VICTIM GROUPS The easiest way is to figure out who is not a victim, and then categorize everybody else. Non-victims are basically American-born Caucasian males. Everybody else fits into one or more victim groups.

Non-males comprise the largest victim group even though they outnumber males. Sometimes we forget that women are victims because they keep telling us how much stronger, smarter, and tougher they are than males. But for some reason they still need to be protected. Men are to be perpetually ashamed of their toxic masculinity, and are subject to severe persecution if a non-male remembers or even creates the memory that a male so much as brushed a hand against her/its breast, whether accidentally or not, and there is no statute of limitations. Non-males are not to be questioned, or accused of any sexual aggression or intentions.

The non-male victim group has recently expanded to include dozens of new gender categories that did not previously exist, and a given victim can change her/its status daily or hourly.

Non-Caucasian victims are entitled to special treatment and care because all Caucasians are born with, and will always have “white privilege”. Even the poorest, sickest, down-on-his-luck skid-row Caucasian bum is considered to have “white privilege” and must be despised, even by other Caucasians if they are leftists. A complication arises; if a person has one Caucasian parent and one non-Caucasian parent, does he/she/it have “half-white-privilege?” And if only Black Lives matter, does his/her/its life only half matter? Oh, by the way, there are special exceptions to race-based victim-hood. For some reason, East Asians (China, Korea, Japan, etc.) are apparently honorary Caucasians. They don’t have white privilege, but they are not afforded any victim status for race.

Caucasian men can only be victims if they were not born in the United States or if they have significant college loan debt.

RANKING VICTIMS – This is the most difficult aspect of identity politics. Does a female African-American migrant have more advanced victim-hood than a Caucasian trans-gendered student with huge student loans? Does “white privilege” completely neutralize other victim-hood status? One must assume that the more victim-hood categories one claims, the higher up the leftist ladder one advances.

BEHAVIOR – The world of Identity Politics can be difficult to navigate even for victims, given that certain behaviors are fine, while others are strictly forbidden, and the absence of any requirement for honesty makes it nearly impossible to determine which is which. For example, it is acceptable for a Caucasian woman to lie about her race to get a government job and even run for president, but a Caucasian governor faces forced resignation for wearing a black-face costume.

And of course since the entire Identity Politics system exists for political purpose, one’s political leanings and values enter into the equation: even victims can be docked for not agreeing in lock-step with every leftist political position. Being a female African-American Trump supporter can result in a below-Caucasian-male ranking.

As difficult as Identity Politics is to manage, there is a simple solution. If we had a system that assigns a point value to each category of victim-hood, it would be easy to add up a total for every individual and determine his/her/its rank. American-born Caucasian males would set the base level of zero points. Add 5 points for female, and add another 10 points for any other gender. Add 5 points for non-American and 10 more for illegal immigrant. Having big student loans might be worth 5 points. Race is much more complicated, since it is unclear whether only Black Lives Matter and how pigmentation works into the algorithm.

Of course there must be a negative index as well. Want to Make America Great Again? Minus 25 points. Climate Change denier? Minus 10. Believe in capitalism? Minus another 15. Are you a Christian? Minus 20. Even victims could go quickly negative, based on their politics and values.

This exercise has caused me to ponder my own Identity Politics score. I think I am somewhere around -175.

Tom Balek – Rockin’ On the Right Side