[operator]: Good morning, Mr. President. I hope you will enjoy your first day in the Oval Office.
[Trump]: Thanks, Rosie. But just remember, one screw-up and You’re Fired! You’ll be back cleaning bathrooms at ‘The View’ with those other ugly broads in a New York minute!
[operator]: Of course, sir. I have made your first call – President Putin is on the line.
[Trump]: Hello, Vlad. Hey, I just wanted to let you know, no hard feelings about hacking the DNC. I don’t blame you, it’s a hell of a lot of fun tweaking that bunch of whiney snowflakes, isn’t it? I would have done it myself, but I can barely do Twitter. Anyway, what do you say we get together next week and make a plan to take out those ISIS bastards once and for all? Should be fun! Later, comrade.
[operator]: Mr. President, President Kim Jong-un of North Korea is ready to speak with you.
[Trump]: Is that you, King Kong? I have a message for you on my first day in office, you fat little f***, so listen up. If you test one more nuclear device, if you launch one more missile – if you so much as pee one drip outside your hole in the floor, my boys will turn your God-forsaken armpit of a country into a flamed-out marshmallow on a stick. You got that, Ping Pong? Fagettaboutit!
[operator]: President Trump, the president of Mexico, Enrique Pena Nieto has been holding for you.
[Trump]: Hello? Hello? Now, Enrique, please stop crying. It’s . . . there, there, Enrique, it’s . . . now please . . . Look, I know it was Vicente Fox that said he wouldn’t pay for my f***ing wall, not you. Enrique? You need to get yourself together amigo, call me back when you can talk. Okay, Adios.
[operator]: Mr. President, I have reached Prime Minister Trudeau of Canada.
[Trump]: Well hello, there, neighbor! I called to invite you to join me later this week, eh? We need to work on our plan to make North America the energy powerhouse of the world. I am so ready to get everybody back to work and our economy flying, eh? Our low energy cost will attract the best manufacturers from all over the world. What a one-two punch, eh? Heck, if Mexico cleans up their act, maybe Enrique will want to join the party, too. He’s got a lot of good workers down there, eh? All right, my friend, let’s start Monday. Oh, and by the way – let’s talk about that “Liberal Party” of yours, eh? Okay, bye.
[operator]: Mr. President, our conference call with the leaders of Germany, France, Great Britain and Japan is ready for you.
[Trump]: Fellows, thanks for joining me on this call. Oh, and you too, Frau Merkel, sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I bought the UN building in New York City this morning. Yes, and I am evicting all of those whiney little despots so I can turn it into a first-class resort hotel. Right. Last I heard they are going to meet up in Kinshasa. I don’t know, it’s somewhere over there in Africa. But hey, I thought we could start our own little club, you know? We could watch each other’s backs and get some of these messes cleaned up, instead of paying for all those other little piss ants to cause trouble all the time. Then if some of these other countries want to stand up for democracy, and human rights, and free trade and forget about getting rich by global warming hoaxes and identity politics, maybe they can join the club later on. Right. I’ll see you guys at Mar Largo next month.
[Trump]: Rosie, hold my calls for a while, I have to straighten out the tax code, fix our immigration problem, and get a new health care system running. But I should be done in time for my 4:00 pm tee time!
Tom Balek – Rockin’ On the Right Side
Listen kid, you paid for the call.
You ain’t bad but I’ve heard it all before.
Don’t call us, we’ll call you!
Don’t call us, we’ll call you !
Jerry Corbetta, founder and leader of the Denver band Sugarloaf, passed away a few months ago. Sugarloaf had some monster hits in the seventies and they are as crisp today as they were then. I feel a tiny connection to this band – I played in a band with a guy who played in a band with a guy who played for Sugarloaf. Probably every musician in the world has played with every other musician in the world, twice removed! Anyway, enjoy this classic – sorry, no live video of this song.