There are too many teams named after American Natives. The Redskins, the Braves, the Indians, the Utes, the Fighting Sioux, the Chiefs, the Seminoles. Very few major sports athletes are Native Americans. Shouldn’t we call the football team from our capital city the Washington Whiteskins? Or better yet, the Blackskins! After all, 70% of NFL players are black. Or would that be offensive? Would the white football players sue the NFL under affirmative action, which requires employment that reflects the pigmentation of the general population?
Los Angeles Angels. San Diego Padres. New Orleans Saints. Hey, you can’t talk about religion! That’s against the Constitution, ain’t it? Separation of church and sports, or something like that.
Oakland Raiders? Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Pittsburgh Pirates? You bigots, what have you got against those hard-working guys from Somalia?
And speaking of stupid team names, what does Los Angeles have to do with lakes? There are no lakes anywhere near Los Angeles! The Los Angeles Lakers should change their name, maybe to something like the “Los Angeles Traffic Jams” or the “Los Angeles Smog”. Much more accurate and appropriate. (Actually, the Lakers team was transferred from Minnesota, the “Land of 1000 Lakes”).
And the Utah Jazz! What a stupid team name. There is no “jazz” in Utah – trust me, I lived there! That is totally offensive. We should call them the Utah Boring People with Lots of Kids. (The Jazz team was transferred from New Orleans, which was rather famous for jazz music).
We need a new federal agency to control this important aspect of American culture. No team should be allowed to offend even a single person by using a team name associated with any protected cultural group. University of Washington Huskies? Offensive to fat people. UCLA Trojans? Sexually aggressive. Mary Baldwin College Fighting Squirrels? Too confrontational.
Our new Federal Department of Team Names (annual budget $750 billion) might choose to just number the teams. The New York #12. The Boston #4. Or maybe just stop the name-calling altogether. The Detroit Baseball Team. The Chicago Basketball Team.
We really must address this pressing problem. Certainly this is more important than, say, writing a federal budget.
Tom Balek – Rockin’ On the Right Side
I call your name
But you’re not there
Was I to blame
For being unfair?