No Soup for You!

Everybody loves the Seinfeld shows featuring the “Soup Nazi”, the merciless restauranteur who arbitrarily decided who would get to buy his soup, and who wouldn’t. If you haven’t seen it, or need a refresher laugh, here’s a snip:

Every day life in America feels more like a Seinfeld episode. Like the wimpy Seinfeld character George Costanza, most of us cringe in fear of being “cancelled” by a Mask Nazi or a Race Nazi or a Gay Nazi or some other enforcer of nonsensical left-wing political correctness. And like Elaine, those of us who rebel get slapped down – “No soup for you!”

My son and I were at the Charlotte airport waiting for a flight yesterday. The woman sitting next to me noticed that when I talked to my totally blind son I pulled my mask down, temporarily, so he could hear me better. As the tension mounted, I knew that she was a “Mask Nazi” looking for a victim to publicly shame.

Finally she couldn’t hold back. “Excuse me!” she huffed through her own elegant bejeweled mask. “Are you vaccinated?”

I was ready. I was SOOOOO ready. I couldn’t contain for one more minute the year and a half of “pissed off” I had been holding in. And I let her have it. “How dare you?” I said, revving up. “To assume that I would intentionally put you, or anybody else at risk. I am totally offended and insulted!”

Wide-eyed, she lurched back in her seat. Nobody had ever pushed back publicly against her Nazi tactics before, and she didn’t know what to do.

“Doesn’t your mask work?” I continued. “If your mask doesn’t work, what makes you think mine does?”

“Are you with the Mask Police? If you are, I want to see your badge!” She started to sputter an apology as nearby passengers watched the drama unfold. “I’m sure you’re okay,” she mumbled.

“Well, I’m certainly not afraid of you!” I fired back.

I was just getting warmed up. “I am so sick of this unscientific crap!” I wailed. “Why is it okay to cram people together like sardines on airplanes but we can’t sit next to each other at a church or a ball game?” She had no answer for that.

I wanted so badly to ask if she washed her hands the last time she went to the bathroom. I had to trust her, because there was no evidence that she had! But that’s a little too personal for a public forum.

She weakly offered a peaceful exit to the confrontation. “Well I hope this is all over soon.”

“So do I,” I responded, and apologized for blowing up. “President Biden has promised he would eradicate the China Virus by the fourth of July.”

The Mask Nazi looked startled. Maybe she doesn’t fully trust the president she voted for!

Tom Balek, Rockin’ on the Right Side

The clothesline of cold eyes
Is washing away the face before
Now tell me what’s wrong you see everyone’s gone
You gotta do your best to decorate this dying’ day

Soup – Blind Melon