Help! My Friend Barack Needs $5!

Obama-needs-$5As you know, I get a letter every day from my friend Barack, asking me to send him $5.

Today I got two letters from my friend Barack (I know he’s my friend because when he writes to me he always calls me “friend”).

Poor Barack – he is starting to sound desperate, and today’s letters were not as friendly as usual.  I’m afraid Barack has discovered that I have not been sending in my $5 every day.

His first letter today said,

“That’s why we don’t just fight the good fight — we stay at it until we win.  Today, I’m asking you to make a commitment — 2014 should be a year of action. Pledge to keep fighting for change.” 

Apparently he isn’t happy with the way things have gone the last five years while he has been in charge of the country.  I’m so confused.  If we are fighting for change, shouldn’t I send my $5 to somebody else?

The second letter said,

“Friend — this can’t be right.  We’re just going through our records and — even though you’re one of our best supporters — it looks like you’re not a 2013 founding member.  Nothing’s changed: It still takes each of us chipping in what we can, when we can, to build the kind of grassroots movement that can win the big fights.”

I’m starting to feel guilty.  I mean, maybe he really needs the $5.  Especially if he is in some kind of a fight.  But on the other hand, my dad told me when you give money to a beggar he will probably just use it to buy some crack or something.  My friend Barack said he snorted cocaine when he was younger, and maybe he still has a problem.  That’s why I have not been giving him $5 — I’m afraid he might relapse into drug abuse again.

I wonder who he is fighting, and why he needs $5 from me every day?  He’s not running for re-election.  His house is paid for.  Seems like he goes on a lot of expensive vacations, and his wife buys some pretty spiffy clothes.

Maybe he can’t afford health insurance?  If his children are hungry, I know he could get $668 a month for food for his family of four.

Anyway, I’m kind of worried about my friend Barack.  I haven’t sent my $5 in yet, do you think I should?  It sounds like he really needs me.

Tom Balek – Rockin’ On the Right Side

Rockin' On the Right Side

Please remember how I feel about you
I could never really live without you
So, come on back and see
Just what you mean to me.
I need you!

I Need You – the Beatles

Letters From My Friend, Barack

Every day I get a half dozen e-mails from my good friends, Barack and Michelle (we are on a first name basis, you know.)

They usually share some upbeat little story about their lives.   Today there was cute picture of Barack and Michelle giggling – it looked like he was telling her a big secret.  The note said I could have a chance to join them in Chicago on election night if I send them $5.  I wonder what the secret was about?

They look great, but I suspect beneath the surface they are having some problems.  They ask me for $5 several times a day.

My friend Barack is trying to get re-elected as President.  In his notes to me he never talks about things like the economy, unemployment, terrorists attacking our embassies, or the $16 trillion national debt.  I know he doesn’t want me to worry about that stuff.  And I don’t think it bothers him much.  Mostly he is worried about getting elected.

A couple of days ago he wrote:

Tom —

I don’t want to lose this election.

Not because of what losing would mean for me — Michelle and I will be fine no matter what happens.  But because of what it would mean for our country and middle-class families.

This race is very close.

I’m not willing to watch the progress you and I worked so hard to achieve be undone. Time is running out to make an impact — please don’t wait any longer. Donate $5 or more today.


I’m so glad that my friends Barack and Michelle are going to be fine no matter what happens, because I’m afraid he may be right – the progress he worked so hard to achieve could be undone in a couple of weeks.  The $16 trillion debt might stop growing.  The government takeover of the entire health care industry might be prevented.  The EPA may have to stop shutting down coal plants and allow those mean oil companies to drill again.

I’m sorry to say I am too embarrassed to write back to my friends, Barack and Michelle, and tell them that I can’t send them $5 today.  I’m still unemployed, I can’t sell my house, the dollars I have saved don’t earn any interest and I can’t buy much with them anyway.  So I’m going to use my $5 to buy a couple of beers.

Good luck, though, Barack and Michelle.

Tom Balek – Rockin’ On the Right Side

How about a country classic today?

Let other folks worry what the future might bring
Just to sit and worry won’t get you a thing
My pants may be ragged but that’s all right
I’ve got five dollars and it’s Saturday night

I’ve Got Five Dollars – Faron Young